Johan Steensland Music

Crossfade: Story and concept

Johan Steensland

Act 1Friends, laughs, slaps on the back, and too many beers – an evening like that fills the best of us with false bravado. It’s passed 2:00 am when Joseph leaves the bar, and starts his lonely walk home.

Joseph is lost in his thoughts as his feet navigate the dark streets like on auto-pilot. In 20 minutes, he will be home with his girlfriend Linda in their apartment.

On his way home, the usually so calm and soft-spoken Joseph becomes increasingly annoyed. The frequent injustice, the lack of respect, the success his musical talent entitled him to but never gave him – all of it building, swelling, eating through his beer-soaked mind.

It’s time to put the foot down, Joseph thinks to himself, hard.

Tomorrow, Joseph will not even remember what this was all about.

At their apartment building, Joseph struggles with the keys, swearing. Then, he climbs the stairs two at a time – or maybe three. He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t care.

Inside the apartment, Joseph finds Linda sleeping in their bed.

Typical, Joseph thinks. When I want to talk, she is sleeping. Isn’t that typical?

Well, time to put the foot down. Hard.

An hour later, Joseph is walking the empty, dark streets again. He is remarkably calm. Empowered by his decisiveness, the auto-pilot now disengaged, his steps are smooth and purposeful. Ahead lies an exciting, new world just waiting to be explored.

Breaking up with Linda was long overdue, wasn’t it? And now that it’s done, nothing can stop him.

Intro

The following days are the worst of Joseph’s life. Linda has moved out and is staying with her parents in their big suburban house. Joseph is alone in the apartment. He is so ashamed that he can’t even leave the building. He rarely leaves his (their) bed. Drowning in regrets and self-pity, Joseph sleeps a lot. He dreams – vivid, chaotic and, yes, even romantic dreams.

Joseph’s Dream

A week goes by. Joseph realizes that knowing what one must do, and actually doing it, are two different things. How come the courage that came to him so easily a week ago, no eludes him? Joseph needs it now.

Hoping that the fresh air will clear his mind and give him the courage he needs, Joseph starts the long walk to Linda’s parents. Twice, he stops and turns around. He is not ready, he will fail, he will make things worse … But each time, the few, slow steps that would eventually lead him back to the apartment make him feel even worse. Going back, he realizes, is not an option.

Being a musician, Joseph has learned the importance of rehearsing. To the steady beat of his lonely footsteps, Joseph rehearses his lines in his head, over and over again. He makes strategic pauses, trying to anticipate Linda’s answers. He fails. Instead of Linda’s voice, he just hears a monotonous repeating melody in his head. Joseph does not realize that the seemingly random melody is one he has heard a hundred times.

The parents’ big house has an unusual doorbell. It’s built out of real tubular bells, and their chime is a musical descending melody. It is this melody that Joseph’s subconscious has produced.

Doorbell

Back in their apartment, alone, Joseph sinks deep into darkness so black he can almost touch it. He has failed – not once, but twice. The guilt, the remorse, and the self-pity absorb him, over-power him.

I’m all to blame

Linda is in a safe and loving environment. But despite the support of her parents, she struggles to make sense of her life that so rapidly went from good to bad, to even worse.

Why did he confront her while being drunk? And even if he was drunk, didn’t there have to be some truth to what he said? To all the mean things he said? Was she dominating and insensitive? And what was that other word he used?

Suffocating! That was it, Linda thinks. Why did he have to be so mean? Why did he have to make her out to be an inconsiderate bitch? And why did he have to come here and be so … wonderful?

Linda’s decision

Indecision is a word none of Linda’s friends would associate with her. I always know what to do, Linda tells herself. This time, though, she has to force it. This time, she doesn’t know whether she is right or wrong. But her mind is made up.

Late that night, Linda walks briskly to Joseph in their old apartment. With every step, she is more certain, reinforcing her arguments as she walks.

Once she is there, and Joseph opens the apartment door, Linda lets him have it – all of it. Her words reverberate in the old stone staircase. There is no room for consideration of the neighbors. After all, she is an inconsiderate bitch, right?
Unforgiving Light

When Linda is done, Joseph seems to have lost his ability to speak. Standing in the doorway, defeated, he manages just one single line – one single question.

Do you love me?

Linda does not answer, but turns to leave. But something in her eyes has changed – or so Joseph thinks.

Breaking down, falling to his knees, Joseph finds the strength to speak.

Stay!

End of Act 1

Act 2

Linda wakes up with a splitting headache. The room is dark. For some odd seconds, she does not know where she is. Heart pounding, adrenaline rushing through her body, she is starting to panic.

Did I spend the night with Joseph in our apartment, or did I make it back to my parents?

For those odd seconds, Linda is at a loss. Forcing herself to shed the last threads of sleep, she is suddenly wide awake. And that’s when it happens.

She is back in her parents’ house, but wishing she was not. She wishes she was with Joseph.

Linda knows why this thought is so frightening. All her life she has instinctively known what to do. Whatever challenges life threw at her, Linda could trust her intuition and moral compass to lead her to where she wants to be.

Except for now.

I’m losing my mind, Linda thinks.

It’s not your mind you are losing!

That was my mother’s voice, Linda thinks. I am going insane! I don’t do voices. I don’t dwell on my decisions.

But this time, perhaps you should. Her mother’s voice again.

Trembling, Linda realizes she is lost.

Odd times

Joseph is sitting at his desk in the apartment. He can’t put his finger on it, but he knows something has changed. For the first time in this long week, he is not absorbed by guilt and remorse. Something is stirring inside him. Is it anger? Is it hope? None of the above, he thinks.

I’m just such a big piece of wasted space, Joseph thinks to himself. In spite of his current situation, he laughs at his own expression: A big piece of wasted space. Ha!

The inner voice of sense

Anger is more useful than despair. Joseph understands that his subconscious is programmed to help him cope, to make him heal. Only, Joseph does not really know anger. Like someone trying on a suit, Joseph only tries on anger. And like a person would quickly shed an ill-fitted suit, Joseph quickly sheds the anger after trying it on. It’s just not him.

But Linda says otherwise, doesn’t she? She told Joseph he was aggressive. She told him he was mean – even a monster!

How can I use my anger, to tell someone who thinks I am angry, that I am, in fact, not angry?

That very question should make me angry, Joseph thought. But angry, I am not.

The awakening

That man isn’t me

Linda had no idea that knowing could feel so different. She had always known. And her old kind of knowing was ingrained in her. She had felt this knowing since she was a kid.

But this new knowing was a different universe. It was as alien to her as were brooding, remorse and self-doubt. It surprised here that it was good. It was nice and warm. It was tingling and exciting.

Linda knew she had been wrong. Joseph was not the bad guy she made him out to be. He was human. And as such he was allowed to make mistakes, wasn’t he?

This new knowing was like nothing she had ever felt.

She was wrong, and she felt weak, and it was wonderful!

We thought it was love

Step by step, Joseph is putting the pieces together. From shattered and chaotic to the unknown and unexplored, it’s slow progress. But by each piece, Joseph is starting to reveal a little more of the whole picture.

It’s a painful process, where every piece of the puzzle hurts. What is driving him? Where is he going? And why does it hurt?

Joseph cannot yet interpret the fragments of the picture that slowly materializes before him. But despite this major uncertainty, he is becoming increasingly sure of one thing.

No matter how much this very process hurts, no matter how ugly or how beautiful this emerging picture turns out to be … I know that my future will somehow be dictated by my success, or my failure, to do this right.

I am me!

The end